my loss of self staff confidence.

Hey, this seemed the best place to put this, so here we go.

I am a long-time rpger, site owner, site staff member who owns at least one site, and was promoted to staff on others. I was a hard worker, active, and earned my promotions on other sites never asking for it-owners felt i deserved it. I knew when a site wasn’t working it was best to let it go, or when to make tweaks to keep it running. Sites I have owned in the past had even lasted up to 5 years as I was never a quitter and put everything into my boards.

The use of past tense is intentional.

There was an incident on one of the boards I am staff on/own which basically ripped my confidence right out of me. To keep it vague and simple….it was pretty much a spiteful flaming attack on me on one of the sites which targeted my abilities as an admin/graphics maker/my html coding abilities. Ever since this incident I’ve struggled to believe in myself and so took a small hiatus from all the boards I was on trying to clear my head. It took years to fully accept myself as a skilled admin, to actually agree with other people’s positive compliments. After this incident, I find myself doubting my abilities as an admin / staff member, I feel I’m letting other site owner’s down because I needed a hiatus and am still struggling to get back into doing anything. Being promoted on site to staff without asking, just because the owner appreciated what I did means a lot to me as I know it should anybody on any site. So I feel I’m letting site owner’s down and my own site because my confidence is broken after this spiteful attack.

I thought about taking a more official hiatus, but I don’t want to abandon the sites I am on and let the staff and site owners down more. I’ve had a few weeks on a small break now and still haven’t found my confidence back and so I’ve sort of hit this block. I can’t post, I can’t make graphics I think is half way decent, can’t think of any ideas to help in plotting and overall site running. It’s not something I had any luck with on skimming helpdesks so I thought I’d post it here for some helpful advice. I know people say not to listen to bullies or spiteful comments, but it’s hard to un-hear things and I’m not the most confident person anyway.

So guys, how could I tune out the spite and get back to being the staff member/admin I was? Leaving full time is not an option I want and with the amount of rpgers on here, no doubt others had the same experience and got through it.


So, help is most appreciated, thank you.

Well... This might seem harsh if taken the wrong way, but have you examined what was really said, and though about if it really applies to you? I don't mean that these flamers do have right, but if you do look at what they've really said... then perhaps you can see that what they're saying doesn't apply to you. If you cannot agree with the flaming after having taken a serious look at it, then it might be easier to let it go.

And... if you find something you yourself think apply - instead of looking at it as hurtful, ask yourself "Alright, I might have got this side to me, but is it really something I want to change?". If they're flamers, then most likely the answer is no.

I don't know how to express my thoughts properly, but really... If you can, try looking at the flames and try to sort out what is personal insults (those should be disregarded directly), what is personal opinion (graphics, coding and other such aesthetics go under here, and should also be disregarded unless you yourself agree and wish to change the things pointed out, and what is hurtful criticism. Also, take a long look at yourself. If you have been promoted to staff, there must be a lot of things you're doing RIGHT. Not everyone might agree with you and see things from the same angle as you do, so try listening to those who do for a while to boost your self confidence. People are allowed to disagree with you, but they're not allowed to be hurtful. If they can't say things they think in a constructive manner, they're not worth your time! But... for your own soul's peace, take a critical look at what they've said and see if you really think it applies to you, taking into account your past experiences and all the praise you've got from others.

Hopefully, and I'm quite sure of it! - you'll see that the person(s?) that hurt you are really one-of-a-kind and shouldn't be allowed to take up your time. ^_^

If you want to talk, I'm here. Good luck to you, Pip! And stand up for yourself. *tons of warm hugs*

Oh, no, it's not harsh, I get what you mean and it's a very obvious answer to think of. Anytime anybody gives what I call negative feedback I appreciate it, I've used it in the early years of rpging to do learn from. Alas, sadly in this case the really irritating factor is it's just pointless spiteful crap kind of like if someone started saying The Dark Knight is a load of crap for a Batman movie, the actors need to quit and the effects look like cat pee. (basically a load of crap people should ignore it as that movie was amazing). I'm just struggling to put that same context into practice now. I know the spiteful douschery should be ignored and is invalid...but I can't seem to shift myself into fully accepting it. It really peeves me off as I should ignore it, brush it off but somehow....I let it get to me when I know I shouldn't. It's irritating me so much more because I know I should go 'sod off' and get back to usual, but I cannot shake it off....I think it's because I'm just so appauled by the people/person/group of smurf hobbit trolls and so shocked it's got to me a lot.

But no, I get what you mean above, wish it was the case or i'd suck it up and go...okay the hobbit smurfs have a good point. It's just pure jerk shizzle but the heart is ruling the head and I need a way to bypass the emotions.

Oh my, that's a touch bit more serious. I wish I had any good ideas on how to do that, but... Hmm... Have you talked to your co-admins on the site about the situation and how you feel about it? (obvious question is obvious, I'm sorry!) Perhaps it has happened in other situations as well, with other people, that this person that has harassed you have been plain rude, and in that case, it might be possible to have them either suspended from the site for a while, or permanently banned?

I'd suggest taking it as a challenge. I know I'm not as good as others - I'm self taught in graphics, HTML and CSS, and I still have a lot to learn.

I have been told I am a competative person (I always thought I was laid back but uh, another roleplayer pointed some things out to me and I had to agree), so this tactic works wonderfully for me.

I'd also suggest looking into why they said it. Usually, online spitefulness and bullying takes place because someone feels entitled/better/has a grudge. For example - have you seen all those 'real life' boards and their graphics? Theirs are often the same sort of graphics, the same models and actresses, the same styling, the same colours and fonts. I find them dull, boring, and they always take FOREVER to load. Yet they'll mutter things about graphics I've done (like the avatar I use here which features the artwork of Steve Argyle with his permission and restrictions). I've been supplimenting my site with them since the start though, and none of the members complain. They gave it a homely feel as my skills improved!

I've had negative things thrown my way about graphics I do (I use GIMP, so Photoshoppers can be pretty judgemental sometimes as I haven't learnt how to mimick everything phothoshop does as standard like that text thing). When that happens, I just go looking for tutorials, ask around to see if anyone is looking for some and experiment.

So I'd advise opening a graphics shop here and that should help boost your confidence (remember to advertise it in your signature). Reply to wanted requests for graphics here too - people will be grateful and if they don't like them they should say (or at the very least they won't use them and you'll be able to see that).

Remember why you like to do what you do, remember the positive feedback you've receieved in the past and how those gaining your help were so grateful.

And tell those spiteful meaniepoos to stuff it up an elephant's runny nose.

Disclaimer: Sizael's new default theme, The Streets of Caften, and the image in my signature are by @soggymuse.

Anyone who has time to complain about other people's graphic skills or HTML skills is a loser who just wants to rip people down to their level of self-hatred. Don't let them win!

thanks guys...

Silma - Sadly, suspension does nothing. I gave up long ago pursuing help from forum hosters. The incident is done with so it's not affecting the public on any sites to cause a big warrent for host support that they'd do anything.

Drae - Funny you said that...I've had people over the last 6 years say me and some friends should open a graphic forum.....sort of like the atf, the red carpet type of resource sites. Though those seem more effort than benefit and i never felt that confident to run a resource site. Though a graphic gallery and request filling was something i did years back...i might give that some thought again actually. It didnt really cross my mind to redo a gallery and make work. I never showcase my codes and skins after i had some real bad full scale site clone years back (they stole private skin, sidebar content, basically cloned my site and stuck a label over the title with their name on..the worst case of plagarism i've ever seen.) It does put me off now in making things.

Ruffian - your avatar gif sums up your reply. i love that. it really sums it up well...eye roll, mouth of disgust...verging on gagging at the fail .

Yeah, I'd advise against creating a forum for it - but I'm pretty sure RPGD allows you to put yourself forward to make graphics and people seek out graphic makers here too

What is with all you guys getting sad when someone's mean to you? Get mad! You know better than that, you said so yourself, you're a great asset to any site you join, they're obviously idiots and liars and trolls. You don't have to react angrily to them, don't react to them at all, but don't take what they say to heart, especially when you know it's being said to hurt you.

Here are some motivational gifs to drive home the point:

This is how you should be:

And remember:

Get over it.
You're not the best.
Neither is everyone else!

There's always someone who's going to be more tallented than us, so no person can brag at being the best (okay, maybe 1 person out of the world population can brag at being the best). And you know what else? The "best" is relative. Maybe I think that so-and-so's graphics are crummy, but to someone else, they are absolutely awesome.

It wasn't nice of that person to chew you out like they did. You have only two take-away points out of this situation : 1. This one person dislikes your stuff. /shrug! 2. There may be other people who don't like your stuff that much. It's hard to make graphics, and extremely difficult to make a skin. If you're not confident in your skin, then you can use one of our skins.

If you're not confident in your graphics (tables, avatars, etc)... guess what? Your people don't care! You probably have a graphics studio/shop where people request things, right? People are specifically requesting things from you, they don't want something from joe-shmo but from you. That's an honor of itself. Now, if you happened to make a bad graphic, most of the time, the person is just elated they got anything at all, and for free. If they didn't like what you made them, the protocol is to say "thank you", use it once, and never touch it again. For someone to chew you out over something they got for free is insane.

This kind of thing shouldn't happen but does so just get over it. There are people who ask for your graphics and think them quite good. Everybody else? Screw 'em. Take heart and move on, don't let this punk prevent you from enjoying your games. It's going to be tough to get into the groove again, but once you do, everything will feel fine.

Xexes – exactly. Nobody is perfect at anything in life, we always learn and grow all the time. I love learning new things, I don’t actually know anyone who would say they think their work is perfect. Everyone can see something wrong with their work, I’ve never met anyone who couldn’t.
It’s not really about disliking work, but to translate that I get what you’re aiming for with your reply.
My peeps don’t care nope, and nor do those I make things for, which I guess I really should focus on more than the negative. I’ve never had anyone rudely reject work before, I think everyone just says thanks and claimed they ‘like to cycle through work’ so they don’t offend anyone by using it.

So whilst it’s not about graphic request comments I get the point there. Thanks for the responses so far, the key messages are useful. It is most appreciated.