It's not depression, because it's not that I feel depressed or repressed. It's apathy - apathy towards my friends, family, and the world in general. Hints have displayed themselves the past year, but it seems like they're building to a climax of some sort. Since summer started it's just been worse and worse. I had goals - set goals for myself to do this summer. And you know what I have accomplished? Zip. Because my computer broke. Beginning of August, halfway to completion of my goals. I was inspired - my website was going to be up, I was involved in community projects, but it's all gone now. I was frustrated for a long time, but it's been about a month 9although it feels much longer) and I don't feel like that any more. I just feel dead to the world.
Maybe it's my hormones. Or maybe it's the fact that I feel trapped in a space where I don't feel inspired, or that I wish I could escape nine months out of the year. And the worst part, it's that I know that I have the power to change that. I went to a seminar for this type of thing. My mom offered to get me into therapy - I rejected that, and although I completely understand the seminar, I feel like I don't even know what to do with that knowledge. The enlightenment I felt after attending has all but vanished.
The only thing I want to do any more is draw - but even that's been limited. By my computer. It's created this vicious circle - my computer is broken, so I need to do art by hand, but to do that I need art supplies, art supplies costs money, but I can't spend money on art supplies because I'm saving up for a computer!
And it's not even that - I'm just projecting my problems onto the computer. I have a borrowed laptop, can't that work? No. Because I am making it not work. I've locked myself into this mind set that it's not going to work out for me.
Other than art, I do not feel inspired. I've searched for roleplays here, what, three times. I've joined, and then quit abruptly or become inactive. Yes, I'm one of those people you rant about. I am so unhappy and critical of anything I write. I just have no enthusiasm. I feel so un-articulate. I want to make comics - I have plots and characters all sitting in my head and it feels like a waste. Because I can't go off to college for four more years.
And friends! Oh, friends. I feel like such a bad friend. They are all cool. I am not. I am a paranoid freak. I need to grow up or become mature or sophisticated like them and join myspace. My mom agrees.
So maybe not quite apathy, maybe caring too much.


I apologize for this. I really do. I'll probably get over it sooner or later, but I felt like I needed to write this.

1. Rethink therapy. I was at the same point you were a year ago, and I desperately wish I had found someone to talk to about all of it.

2. I'm still at the extremely overcritical point when it comes to writing, so while I can't help you at all, I do empathize.

3. Joining Myspace doesn't make you mature or sophisticated, but if your friends are as cool as you say they are, they probably love you despite the whole "paranoid freak" thing.

4. Don't call yourself a freak. We're all just different kinds of normal, darling.

5. No apologizing for ranting. That's the entire point of this forum, and this rant has more merit than a lot of the ones we all post. *huggles*

What'd you mean? Apathy has always been trendy.

I think you're depressed. That "dead to the world" feeling is depression. Been there, done that. I didn't think I was depressed at the time, either. Go out, do some exercise get the positive energy flowing.

You can buy some cheap art supplies. They're no different to "better quality" ones if you're not using them professionally. You sound like you need to be doing something that you enjoy.