I guess I'll write this in a Dear ___ format, seeing as I can't think of anything else right now,
Dear People of This Board,
As some might have known from my other posts, I've been one of the many girls who are yes, in love, and with a boyfriend who loves them back very much. We've been dating for more than 6 months, almost 7, and while that might not look like alot to most or some of you, it is for me. My boyfriend, Mike, he's my first real relationship, and at the age of 17, I guess you could say I'm a little behind. Still, I manage to get by. He's a sweet, caring, tender loving person, one who still holds those things called morals high in his books, manners, and always wanting to show how much he loves me.
But recently, things have become intense between us. Our emotions are flaring easier, 'i love you's are traded for 'you know what fine, whatever's or worse. in one day we can go from happy and gushing with love to broken and unable to repair. At first, when this started happening, things came and went in a couple minutes. We'd hug and whisper we were sorry, and things would get better. However, now, things aren't so easy. Fights and arguments will continue even after the phones are hung up and the computers logged off. We'll sleep thinking things will be better in the morning, but it will have only stayed the same. Most of the time the fights tend to originate around something he'll say, or when I rag on myself because recently I've gained 15 pounds, and none of it is healthy weight, just overeating weight.
I don't think he truly understands...how miserable I am with my life right now. How stressed I am with my life right now. Between the constant struggle to study for my summer school finals, the daily torture of my parents reminding me how badly I fucked up my life by failing, Mike telling me to level quicker on WoW because he wants to do this and that, family trips, friends having parties and going places I can't go to because I'm a failure at life, my nightmares that leave me crying in the morning, no permit still even after a year later because my parents think of me as a failure, Mike's parents not liking me, sibling issues, it all bags down on me. And I snap. I just start to introvert into myself and cry, and wish I could be a better person and fix everything because, hell, according to everyone, I'm supposed to be able to handle all of this and fix this. My boyfriend is lucky to have a family that loves him no matter what happens, who treat him well and teach him right.
And yet our fights only seem to get worse. Today I technically broke up with him for a couple hours, and those couple hours I spent sleeping while crying and gagging over a porcelain bowl. I know we're still in love with eachother, but, in love is a question that I don't have an answer to. I'm afraid I'm only going to follow the path every couple does at my age, and break up over something stupid or do something stupid. So I need some advice, huggles, and anything at this point. Because feeling like you just swallowed a dozen razor blades and feeling them jingle in your stomach isn't always the best feeling, especially when accompanied with a feeling of despair and utter loneliness.
Did I mention he wants me to see a shrink for my supposed 'self-esteem issues'?
Livi
I feel so sorry for you, I really do. :[ Well, I don't want to sound mean, but...maybe you should think about not seeing him for awhile? A guy that can't stand by his girl when she's feeling depressed is deplorable. It's even more so when he's making you feel worse. Self-esteem issues, what the hell, he's part of the reason!
I had a three-day relationship with a guy named Mike. He screwed me over big time, end of story. x.x If a guy can't understand what you're going through, and makes no effort to help, then maybe it's time to move on?
I agree that if it probably isn't a bad idea to question his role in your life if he isn't supporting you. Though, I can't help but think one of his suggestions isn't that bad. If you are really as unhappy as you are describing, maybe seeing a therapist or psychiatrist isn't a bad idea. If this has been going on for more than a week or two, and it is depression, then there's no reason not to see a councilor, therapist or psychiatrist. That's what they are there for. People with heart disease are never looked down upon or question the validity of seeing a cardiologist. Why do we put such a stigma on seeing people for disorders of emotions and the brain?
There are ways they can help, not always using medications if that's your concern. However, depression can get worse if not treated. Stress is common in our society but it shouldn't be so overwhelming that it's making you physically ill. At 17, you shouldn't let depression rob too much of your life.
Also, depression will effect relationships. I suffered from disthymic depression for years and I know it contributed to several relationships going sour. But, you shouldn't be ashamed about getting help for depression and if you are that upset, your boyfriend's recommendation may be a valid one.
I know the first real relationship is the hardest because you fall in love quite easily and for the first year, you don't see their flaws. I only know this because I've seen it so many times. I'm 20 and still terrified of a true-blue relationship. I walk out after a week of dating...
But then, all the men I've dated were quite dull (they needed hobbies).
Outside my own experience, I've watched first love relationships and they are great to begin with. It's fun, you're in love, and you're blinded by the feelings you have. Once you start to notice the flaws, it really really hurts but... it's something you either work through or decide is a deal-breaker.
I agree with what has been said, any guy who won't stand by his girlfriend when she needs him most is, to put it bluntly, spineless. Seeing a shrink CAN be helpful and I don't want to downplay that. I have plenty of friends who worked through their own issues with the help of a counselor, and it is an option if you feel depressed and incapable of dealing with it. But he shouldn't be referring you to someone else, he should be opening up and asking you if you want to talk about it. It sounds like he's trying to shift the burden of playing listener to someone else more qualified, which signals a lack of maturity.
You really can't expect him to be mature if he's 17 though. Mature men are very rare until about the age of 40 and even then some haven't gotten a clue.
If you still really want it to work, what you can try doing is telling him exactly what you need from him. Say something to the effect of 'could you do me a favor?' and then ask 'I really need someone to just talk to about everything and unwind and cry... and I don't want you to get angry, you don't even have to say anything, you can just listen and give me a hug.' Often guys need some help understanding their girlfriends, because admittedly we're a bit weird. They don't have the faintest clue what triggers our moods, why some of us burst into tears without provocation. They need open communication. He can't read your mind, so tell him what's on it and that you just really need to vent. It might help your relationship.
That's the best advice I can give...