[This is not aimed at anyone, and I know we're all guilty of some of this at times. But when you get a customer who does it all, you just want to scream! -- Cashier 888]

Dear Mr Customer,

I am your friendly, local supermarket cashier. As part of our ongoing service, we have decided to write up this friendly training booklet. You see, in order to serve you better, we have decided that you all should grow a brain. We understand that it is not your fault that customers are an idiot breed, however... we feel this simple booklet of rules should make our lives easier, and yourself a lot less likely to be put on hitlists in the event that we earn enough to afford hitmen!

i. Baskets, And YOUR Responsibility
I know that I'm getting paid a measly amount to be here. However, the register belts are placed at the right height so that according to Occupational Health and Safety, I do not have to reach awkwardly to scan your groceries. However, when you place the basket on the belt without unloading - I want to bash your head in. To fully understand what I mean, try this easy exercise:

- Get a shopping basket, and four bottles of juice - two litres preferably.
- Place basket so that the top is roughly level with your mid forearm.
- Place basket close to your body, roughly 10-15cm should be fine.
- Put juice bottles in basket, and repeatedly lift out.

See how awkward that feels? Continue until you want to kill someone. It will not take long.

Solution: Unload the basket onto the belt. It's not hard. Tip it out if need be, but please don't put my shoulder out... again.

ii. Regarding Multiple Baskets...
If you have more than three of these - go to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Return to the start and get a trolley. We supply these for your convenience, they even have wheels. How nice of us! But if you are foolish enough to try and carry four baskets of groceries...

- Please do not scatter cold items throughout all four baskets. It makes me cry on the inside. (Unless of course you plan to peacefully unload your baskets onto the belt.. where I can sort your groceries in peace).
- The above goes for hot items, toxics and general non-food. We pride ourselves on sorting your groceries so YOU don't have to... it is a matter of honour! Please don't make us cry by placing your butter in one basket, milk in the last and forcing me to sort items as the baskets come along on the belt...

iii. Green Bags
We are not against the use of the eco-friendly green bags. However, when using these, there are some very nice things you can do to make our lives easier.

- Please hand over all bags you have at once, before the first item is scanned. Do not gift them to me one by one as I scan your groceries, because I will decide when I need a new bag. Please do not bury them in the bottom of your trolley/basket and wait until I have put through and bagged hundreds of dollars worth of groceries before making me repack so you feel less guilty about harming the environment.

iv. The Price Does Not Help Me...
Perhaps you do not know this, but unless I know the code/button press for a particular fruit or vegetable, I cannot put it through. I am also unable to put through items that do not scan simply on the price you quote me.

It goes without saying that stating the price of an item that has scanned through, and scanned through correctly makes me want to bash your head in with a cash drawer.

v. STAY AWAY FROM MY SCALES!!!!!!
Probably the single most annoying thing any customer does ever. There is a reason the scales are placed further from the customer, and closer to the cashier. This is because they are MINE. Stay. The Bejeebers. Away. Please do not hand me the next fruit/vegetable, and certainly do NOT place them on the scales.

If you do, and I happen to remove them, and weigh something completely different... do not be offended, I just think you're an idiot.

vi. I Work Here - I Am Not A Complete Directory
I am sorry if I cannot immediately quote the location of Mrs Brown's Fantastically Ginger Flavoured Melba Toasts straight off the top of my head. It does not mean that I do not believe we stock them - I have merely not got around to reading and memorising the complete list of stock in the store. It is possibly a more boring read than the telephone book. If I do not know, I will follow up with someone I think will know. If they do not... I am afraid I can help you no further.

Period.

Please stop following me around the store demanding to know where they are.

vii. Get Off The Phone When I'm Serving You!
I am paid to serve and talk to you. Take advantage of that, and there should be no need to waste the fifty cent connection fee, now should there? Besides, it makes me feel worthless and unloved. I don't walk into your office and yap on my phone, I'd appreciate the same courtesy.

viii. No Sir, I Will NOT Put Your Hot Chicken With The Cold Meat - Whatever You Say
So don't argue with me. This is not a case of 'the customer is always right'... this is a case of 'if the customer's word is law, the customer will shortly get food poisoning and die, and the cashier could probably care less'... I believe in food safety. So there's no way you're going to convince me that hot chicken and your cold meats are good friends and only need one bag.

xi. Ditto Goes For Your Washing Powder/Soap And Deli Meats
Fabric softner and meat do not mix. End of story. Though, if you're arguing the point here... it is probably clear that you have no care for your own food, I may just give in. Please do not blame me when your satay sticks have a tinge of 'ocean breeze' running through them.

x. I Am Doing My Best..
Give me a break. This is not my only life, I am a full time university student, resident assistant and struggling author. However, I devote a sizable chunk of my week to serving ungrateful customers who do nothing but sniff in my face, glare at me and reshuffle the items in their bags as though I am an incompetent.

I have been working in supermarkets for five years, and am a recognised top cashier. My sorting is impeccable, except when your groceries are so disorganised I can't tell what's with what.

So please. Play nice. Smile for goodness sake, it makes my job a whole lot easier.

Yours sincerely,
Your local Supermarket Cashier.

Wow, those are a lot of annoyances, some I can relate with, most not. I've been working for more then five years in a supermarket too. Nowadays I work on four departments if they need me, refiller, cashier, sliced meat and bread departments. I dunno where you work, but I work in our local supermarket in the town I live in. So that might be just it that it's not so annoying for me to work there lol, I know most of the people and they know me.

So I understand you have to pack their groceries too? That's weird, we never do that unless the customer asks us to do that ^^.

Mmmm... we have to sort, scan, pack and tender.

I work for a company called Woolworths Limited - Safeway Supermarkets in Australia. It's a decent company, and I do love my job, but seriously! I think the scales thing bothers me the most. Cause I lose what I was about to key in, it's just frustrating.

I work on the metropolitan side, between show grounds, racecourse and a train station.. so a lot of random customers. Again, not a terrible job. But frustrating in places. We still have plastic bags, we still stand on register.

Aldi is the way to go - they don't have to pack, and they get ergonomic chairs to sit on... *sigh*

Just a little frustrated at the moment. Spring Racing Carnival, most of it nearby.. SO many drunk customers makes it a little harder to deal with.

...just out of curiosity, did I write that? It completely and utterly sums up my annoyances with the morons who come into the store >.< However, I'd like to add:

xi. Yes, We Have Bathroooms
This is required by law. However they are not public bathrooms, and arguing with us over that fact just makes us want to hurt you. If you really need to pee, you can walk to the restaurant across the street, elsewise, hold it in.

xii. We Close at the Same Time EVERY Night, Except Sunday
Do not call us two days in a row asking what time we close if we tell you the first time it's the same every damn night. One of my supervisors is plotting the death of those who do this, and I'd not care in the slightest hate to see you maimed. Secondly, we like your money; it in turn pays us. However, we no longer give a damn about your money if you come in five minutes before we close, grab a trolley, and proceed leisurely up and down the aisles dropping food into them. For one, why the hell are you shopping at 9 pm on a Tuesday?! For another, while the longer you stay, the longer we get paid, I DO have a life outside of work, and don't want to have to stay an extra half hour to ring you in. Especially on Tuesdays - if I miss Bones because of you, You. Will. Suffer.

Wow, Aldi is like the lowest in supermarket's here, at least in my opinion. Sadly we have to go shop there because we don't have that much money anymore then we used to. And I hate half of the products there (I"m not used to the taste and all).

So basically you also have to weigh customer's vegetables and fruit? That's like banished here in the Netherlands I think in big supermarkets XD. Customers have to weigh it themselves. Of course there are always random german people (during summer vacation) who don't seem to get this, which results in ultra long lines due to business, that annoyes me lol.

Mostly I get annoyed by my collegues (sp?), but thats because they are mostly 16 year old teen guys or girls who don't seem to listen after you've said the same thing for the 10th time, or get a big mouth when you give them some positive advice XD. It always seems I"m the one cleaning up after the others. But yah. I like working in the supermarket ^^. And they can never get rid of me, woohoo for neverending contract XD.

I have quite a few friends who work in supermarkets, and they all seem to have the same feelings, or at least, similar ones. I do hate Woolworths though, but also like to buy DVDS and tons of sugary goodness hehe.

I don't think I ever want to work in a supermarket. Soon anyway.

*hug*

Hehehehe... your supermarkets sound like a great place to work, Shin-Li! No weighing? No packing? So pretty much you scan, and take the money??

... and how do you know if a customer has weighed their fruit and veg correctly?

Sounds like they've taken most of the frustration out of being a check-out chick! Hehehe.

Aldi here is a cheap-o supermarket as well, but it's the only one that won't pack for you. Sometimes customers request to pack their own from us, which is okay, but it's generally understood that it's the cashier's job.

Lenore - would this be Woolworths Inc, or Woolworths Limited? Hehehe... over here, Woolworths/Safeway is your average mainstream supermarket, only really matched by Coles and the odd independent IGA. I wear a green shirt!

For curiosity's sake.. and any who wish to see the price of tea in Australia (Victorian Catalogue) I found this. It's kinda cool:

http://woolworths.smedia.com.au/activemaga...ecatalogue/vic/

Hehehhee... Safeway Catalogue. :D:D

Australian supermarkets must be nice. The checkers here in the US do nothing.

I take offense to that because I am a checker in the US, and we are expected to do so much. I think most places are generally the same for checkers, in terms of job requirements, though I know some European places customers are supposed to bag their own groceries (IF ONLY). But maybe where you live they don't do anything, and my managers are pretty crazy into keeping us up to par.I also work five other departments, depending on what they want me to do.

I heavily agree with the scale thing. Where I work, we don't have a belt for the customers to unload their things as they can just push the cart right up to the check stand and we unload it as we go, so the scan/scale is much easier for the customer to access. What irritates me most about customers placing things there is that, my machine will start scanning the items repeatedly. I don’t understand because there is a perfectly good shelf right below it. Just use the damn shelf. I make it a point to always tell people about the shelf.

Also when people come through quick check, with more than ten items, and I’m talking way more, and say ‘I know I have more items’, and laugh it off. It’s like, if you know then don’t get in the damn quick check line. Also injuries do not mean you can bring your full cart into the quick check line either. Pop some Vicodin and get in line. Another thing with quick check, I don’t care how many items you have, you cannot cut in front of other people. Even the newspapers you need to pay for. And I don’t mean throw fifty cents on my checkstand.

Or when I ask a person how they’re doing today and they’ll answer with their bag choice. The answer to ‘how are you today?’ is not ‘paper’. Nor is it ‘plastic’. On top of that, it’s common courtesy to not only answer the question properly, but also repeat the question back to me. Lastly, I am not a mime, lip reader, nor do I possess the power to read your mind. If you don’t say it out loud, using your words like a big kid does, I am not going to understand what you want.

On supermarket humor, if you think it’s funny, we probably won’t. Probably because we’ve heard it fifty thousand times before. For example, it’s really not that funny if I ask you if you found everything you needed and you reply that you found more than enough, or if you say you couldn’t find the bag of money you were looking for. There’s tons of other things that aren’t funny. You may think they are but don’t be offended when I don’t laugh. I can only laugh so many times at the same joke before it’s too difficult to fake a laugh.

If there are items on my check stand that are not yours, please do not touch. I think you’re supposed to learn when you are five years old to not touch other people’s things. Yes, that is my water bottle because when I’m standing in a check stand for nine hours straight, I sometimes get thirty. I know you’re trying to be helpful, but stop giving away my pen to some customer. I put it up there for customers to use so leave it there.

I know I just made a big deal about answering when I ask how you are doing, but I do not want to hear your entire life story. I’m sure you need someone to poor your soul out to, but that’s not in my job description. I’m sorry your wife just walked out on you, but it makes me very uncomfortable when you start tearing up in the check stand.

I could go on and on and on, trust me.

Heh, I will soon be getting a job, probably as a "check out chick" at Coles or something and I know what to expect now. I do feel your pain though, because I see customers doing those things and I want to go hit them.

We try and pre-sort the groceries when we put them on the conveyer, like putting all the cold things first.

I shall take these into consideration. I don't know how I'll go. I get easily annoyed by people, and BADLY BEHAVED CHILDREN GARRRAAAH!

Oh yes indeed...

Newspapers and small items that the customer has exact change for does NOT mean you throw the money at me. The item must be scanned out! Why is this so hard to understand?

The scales is just plain annoying. Clearly I'm the one getting paid to do this, so hands off! It mucks up the system!

A few more...

xiii. Stack From The Back
For those of you lovely people who do stack your trolley/basket onto the belt - have a medal. But only if you put new groceries behind what you've already loaded. When your groceries come towards me, my head is planning out what will go in the next bag according to what I see before me... throwing new stuff down is not helping! It's irritating.

ixx. For The Last Time - The Belt Moves Itself!
This doesn't apply to all supermarkets, but for those who have automatic sensor belts... you'll know what I mean. There is no pedal I have my foot on, so please stop glaring at me as though it's my fault it hasn't stopped yet. It's not rocket science... put something at my end of the belt, and it will stop! Congratulations. Please note that magazines and money (please see next rant) will slip under the sensor and into the register desk... again, not my fault if I didn't see it before it happened. I do not control the belt. And please... stop moving your groceries back because you think they won't stop when they get to the silver bit... you're only making matters worse.

xx. Money In My Hand... Please!
I don't know if you've had the pleasure of picking up four dollars worth of five cent coins from a flat surface... for those of you not in the know, a five cent coin is only very small, and when you don't have fingernails - near impossible to pick up. Putting money on the desk/scales/belt means I spend ages picking up your money when I could be saving the world by eliminating checkout lines. Not a huge deal.. I can handle it, but not when the money is on the belt. Why? Because the second you move your hand away from the sensor... Whoops! There it goes, across the belt, and into the register desk. Save yourself the thirty cents we traditionally lose through that... just hand the money over.

xxi. Keep The Change Is NOT An Option...
Here's the thing... maybe you don't want change. But I don't want it either! Of course, I personally would love your five-cent castoffs, but to be seen removing them from the register would be stealing. But at the same time... if they are left there, my register is OVER. What does this mean for me? Well, it is assumed that I have been a bad bad cashier and not given some customer all the money he deserves. So please.. take your change. All of it.

xxii. Please Tell Your Children This Is A SUPERMARKET - Not A Playground.
I know the metal bars are shiny and interesting, but if your child kills themselves because you're too stupid to watch them swinging about (or goodness forbid - stop them) - I'm probably going to laugh. Well, right after I stop freaking because there's brains on the floor. Got the hint yet?

xxiii. The Following Phrases Are Banned From All Supermarkets:
- 'Just waiting for me, were you?' -insert laugh-
- 'Well, you look bored! I'll give you something to do!'
- 'Don't work too hard now, will you!'
- 'Always amazes me - come in for just *insert item name here*... and look what I've spent!'
- 'Yeah... I'll have a million out, but I don't think it will go through.'
- 'Should have got into a life of crime, it would be cheaper!'

Why? Because they are what we call 'Universal Cashier Groan Moments'. But don't feel like I'm singling you out... because nearly every one of you do it!

xxiv. I Do Not Memorise Specials
As fun as it really sounds, reading through the list of stock on special every day is on my reading list... right after memorising the entire list and location of stock in our supermarket. If it is on special, and you do not believe it scanned in at the correct price (it happens, shock horror. Again - not my fault, I do not control the computers) then please, by all means, let me know. But do not under any circumstances:

- Yell at me, and say 'That is on special!' like I'm the idiot.
- Demand that I fix the price immediately without calling anyone. I can't. I need to call someone to verify before I can do anything. So suck it up - if you want the special price, hold on while I get someone.
- Crack it and leave your groceries behind upon finding the item you wished to buy is no longer on special. Seriously - that's just bad sportsmanship.

xxv. Stock Persons/Longlife/Floor Persons Are Not Out Of Harry Potter
And therefore cannot apparate immediately to your side for assistance. Believe it or not, they have things to do outside of waiting about for hours until someone calls 'Longlife Service Forty to Register Nine'... so if you have to wait a few minutes for someone to materialise, pay some respect and stop with the eye rolling, watch checking, snide comments. They make your cashier feel bad about something they can't help, and it's an insult to our Longlife department who are doing the best they can.

And if you're really in that much of a hurry - perhaps you should have planned your day better?

And for the last freaking time...

xxvi. No, I CAN'T Fit All Of That Into One Bag
The laws of physics do not allow your six cans of dogfood, aluminium foil, yoghurt pack, Milo tin, bunch of bananas, milk carton and glass jar of coffee to fit into one single bag. In fact, the laws of Physics state this: 'Any idiot that tries, will probably end up with one hell of a mess to clean up'. Bags break - they're only thin plastic! There is a weight limit, which is mostly judged by us out of experience. Some bags are more fragile than others, whatever... but chances are if you decide you really, really, really want all that in one bag -- I'll do it, and wet myself laughing when you cut yourself on the coffee jar you just broke across the plaza.

We're not an evil breed, but the words 'I told you so' will come to mind.

(Oh goodness, I really COULD write a customer training manual... hahah)

Ugh. The money thing is so annoying. Sometimes I get snide and I'll just set it on the counter instead of handing it to them if they do that to me.

That's what I was talking about. Grocery Store Humor. It's only funny the first twenty times, then it's just irritating.

Also, I know a lot of stores have the register near them, but our receipt dispensers are right were customers stand and they will rip the receipts off, causing our machines to jam. They will tug, pull and do their best to get it off. Just let me do it, will ya?

And customers need to learn what is the appropriate distance to stand behind each other. It irriates me when I'm trying to make a purchase and someone is standing a few inches from me as I put in my pin number. There is a comfort bubble, just back off a little bit. Or customers will put their carts bumper to bumper so I can't move them around the check stand.

Mousie, what you were saying about people planning their days better. That's the root of everything. People are in a rush. They're always in a rush and they expect everyone else to be as well, including us. They make things easier for themselves, while making things less easier for us, in turn making it less easier for them. That and people just don't think about these things. I don't recall ever acting like many of my customers when I was just a customer, but I notice the things a lot more now that I work as a cashier.

Yup. Where I'm at, we have to bag everything ourselves. The checker just swipes everything through. and lets it pile up on the other end. It really holds the line up unless you have someone with you, otherwise you can't pick up your stuff till you pay the person.

Bahahaha, come work for us - you'll soon enough learn to bag your own groceries nice and quickly. Every time I go to Aldi, the cashiers laugh cause I bag faster than anyone else.

It's a habit. :D

(My friends HATE it though, cause they want to try and help - but I just crack it at them and tell them to go sit in the car, I'll handle it...)

I would probably get on your nerves because I just shove all the food together, all the raw stuff together and everything else together and call it a day. (happy)

Well we have scales on the vegetable/fruit deparment, people weigh it there, and a little sticker with a scan code comes out. So we just scan it, if it's not weighed, there's no sticker lol, so we have to send em back. (which in turn holds up lines, and it's mostly german tourists who do that lol).

But we do pack, but only on request, or bring it to the customers car if they for instance can't lift it themselves, or like a crate of beer which might be too heavy, we'll pick that up afterwards they payed and bring it to their car.

We are a full-service supermarket, not like aldi I suppose, the only thing I miss is our bring home service. A few years ago our supermarket was of another company, which brought groceries home to the customers if they wanted to. That seemed like so much fun to me, driving around town the whole, bringing round groceries. But three years or so ago our supermarket was taken over by another company, they are great too, but don't have the bring at home service anymore ><.

Interesting... does the sticker come out automatically and just knows what the item is? Or is there someone to weigh the produce for them? Because I've had more than one customer tell me she had mandarins and not tangellos.. cause mandarins were cheaper that week.

We occasionally have to take groceries out - but we have stock boys for that so that lines don't get held up. We have Home Delivery.. but only Mon-Sat. Never used it, but I should. I always end up buying more than I can carry home...

http://www.woolworths.co.uk/web/jsp/index.jsp

Mousie - tis that woolworths :p often refered to as woolies.
I remeber Safeways...it got shut down and turned into a Mkays and co, or whatever its called. Expensive clothes shop. Before it got turned, I was younger, got bitten by a wasp on the bum outside Safeways once.

Hehe, not the Woolies I know.. but anyhoo. I had work today... so some more for you all.

xxvii. Divide And Conquer!
Is it really that hard of a concept? I know that I am indeed a superior being and all, but in all honesty I am quite unable to keep track of exactly what items belong to you - and the customer I am currently serving. You may have noticed that odd plastic thing in front of you, and I'm here to tell you what it does.

It separates your groceries!

Oh yes. High tech. You place it after yours, or the other persons (if they have not put it there).. and instantly I am able to tell what is theirs, and what is yours! Magic! So to avoid situations where you yell at me for scanning your groceries through on the other person's order - please use that magic piece of plastic.

xxviii. Your Laziness Is Not My Problem
Oh, for the many times you customers have yelled at me... I'm sorry Mr Customer, but it's really not my fault if you were lazy, and put your groceries down for a moment to get something else, and someone ran off with them. So please, refrain from leaving your full baskets lying at the end of my register. We like to keep a clean supermarket here... so we do regular stock collection. And yes, I know the person may have left theirs for a whole fifteen minutes, but you happened to leave yours in the same thirty seconds someone decided to pick up stock.

Sad. Now go do your groceries again, and stop whinging at me. I couldn't see them, and you didn't tell me they were there. How is this my fault?

... and let's not forget the absolute golden rule... KEEP AWAY FROM MY FREAKING SCALES!!!!

This thread is golden.

I must add a few for u-scans/fastlanes.



The Machine Knows Best!
The self scanning machines will easily guide you through your self checkout experience in your choice of English or Spanish. The catch is this: you actually have to listen to it! It will tell you when to scan, how to scan produce, when to input your coupons and how and even when to put your items in the bag! It will yell at you if you do it wrong and keep yelling until you fix it yourself. When you screw up, stop looking around expectantly to have your problem fixed by one of the fastlane monitors. Their job is to walk around in case you need approvals for beer and other stuff. Not to scan your items for you. If you don't know how to use the self scan, don't use it. Go to a regular lane and one of those cashiers will be proud to help you. And when you bag your own stuff wrong, I have no pity when your strawberries end up all over your new earphones or when your laundry detergent and weed killer marinate your steaks. I do hope you'll enjoy your steaks a la Tide!


And as a general rule of thumb, we cashiers do not instantly know the price to every product you've picked up. That's why there are these nifty machines, called price checkers, at regular intervals throughout the store.



(this is fun. about to go into work actually. fwee. :( )

Just so you can feel better, I no longer put my little basket on the belt. I take my groceries out and put the basket under the counter. I never knew it was such a hassle. Happy now?

And I've always tried to lump certain types of groceries together. Fruit, yogurts, meat, etc. because I'm anal like that. And I'm more than willing to bag my own groceries, because I don't want people putting my milk in bags... that just doesn't work.

I hear ya...

I used to work in an airport kiosk, and at the end of every day, I was about ready to kill myself. It's like people lose all the manners their parents taught them the moment they step inside the airport.

Everything is NOT my fault!
Yeah, I know I'm paid to be here, and all, but I work in the friggin' kiosk: I do not have any sort of control over whether your flight is delayed or cancelled.
Also, please don't blame me for saying "I don't think we sell that particular magazine", when we have a gazillion different mags, and you are the only person that's ever asked for it.
In addition, I am not responsible for making sure that you buy the right kind of phone card for your cell phone. I expect you to know what you need, and I don't want to be yelled at when you get it wrong, and while I'm talking about this, I especially don't enjoy being yelled at by intoxicated persons. Yeah, I know that the security guards are just around the corner, but guess what?! It kinda scares me when a grown man in an inebriated state stands there chewing me out. Especially if you tell the woman who's next in line to shut the eff up when she quietly tells you that it's not my fault.

I DO NOT speak every language on the planet!
I've chosen to work in an airport, but that does not mean that I am fluent in forty-three languages: I do, however, speak English fluently, and if you'd bothered to learn it too, then we wouldn't have this problem. I'm all for hanging on to your own language, but please: you're not betraying your country by learning to speak English.
Also, if you have a hearing or speech impediment, I'm not discriminating against you when I can't understand a word you're saying. I don't know, is it a pride thing, or what? Would it kill you to take the pad of paper and the pen I'm offering so we can get this overwith, and I can help the three million other people who are behind you in the line?

I DO NOT decide our prices!
It sucks that the coffee costs almost an arm and a leg, but I didn't set the price: I just sell it. I can't give you a discount because you think the price is unfair, and yes, there's been a thousand people telling me the exact same thing, but I wasn't able to help them either. If you think the coffee is too expensive, don't buy it. I'm not forcing you.

DO NOT jokingly tell me that I can have the receit.
If you don't want it yourself, why the heck would I want it? I'm required to ask you if you want your receit, and it's fine with me if you say no. I can throw it away, but I'm not going to keep the five million receits that half of my customer laughingly present me with.

If you want to exchange something, KEEP THE RECEIT!
I'm required to ask you if you want your receit. You are not required to take it. But if you think there's a chance that you might need to exchange something you bought, please do. I need that receit to cancel the purchase, and if you don't have it, there's absolutely nothing I can do without screwing up my register, making my look like a bad employee. You wouldn't expect to be allowed to exchange something without the receit anywhere else, would you? What makes you think that you'll be allowed to do it here? Sure, I remember that you were here five minutes ago and bought that ridiculous thingamajig that you discovered that you had no need for, but it's not about that. What do you want me to do? Dig through the trash to find the receit among the huge pile of receits that other people did not want?
Also, if you don't want your children to buy something expensive, don't give them the money to buy something expensive, then complain to me that the child didn't take the receit when I offered it.

If I ask you to wait, I mean WAIT!
I just mopped the floor, and if you walk on it now, there will be nasty black marks all over it, and I will have to mop it all over again. Would it kill you to wait five minutes, when you have 45 minutes until your plane takes off? Or if you could just avoid the wet spots, that'd be great too.
Also, if I ask you wait until I've got the newspapers counted before you take one, please wait until I've got them counted. I would have counted them earlier, before you got here, but the newspaper man is not always on time, and I need to count newspapers to make sure we've gotten the right number, at the same time as I try to pacify the testy businessman who wants to pay for his magazine and complain about the overpriced coffee. It's not something that I do for fun, it's something that I'm required to do by my boss. So yeah: when I ask you to wait, I don't mean wait for 30 seconds before you grab a paper and head for the register.

You're NOT the only one who's busy!
It's a small airport. A very small airport. Every single person in the line is going on the same plane as you. If they have time to wait, you have time to wait. So please don't throw a ten dollar bill on the counter for an item that costs a dollar, then run out. Okay, so you're rich enough to pay ten bucks for a newspaper, but you know what? I don't care. It screws up my register, so at the end of the day, I look like a bad employee.

It WOULDN'T kill you to smile
Yeah, travelling can be tiring, but I've been at work for seven hours, since six in the morning. You think I'm not tired? When I make the effort to fake a smile and be nice to you, it wouldn't kill you to smile and at least say 'hi' back. It's a one syllable word. It doesn't take much effort, and it's not like I'm asking you to engage in a long meaningful conversation.

If there's a line, there's a line.
See all those people that are lined up behind you? Those want to talk to me as well, so if you could please decide what kind of hot dog you want before it's your turn, that would be great. And for those of you who are next in line: wait your turn! The person in front of you was there first. Yes, I know he's being annoying and taking ages to decide what he wants and he's taking up time, but what do you want me to do? Tell him to piss off? Believe me I want to!

I NEED food too!
It's a very small airport, I'm usually the only person at work in this particular kiosk, meaning that I don't always get the break that I'm entitled to. So if I'm in the office behind the counter, grabbing a little bite, please don't chew me out if I don't hear you right away when you want to pay for your stuff. The door's open: feel free to say 'hello' instead of just standing there seething until I finally notice your presence, and then snap at me when I finally do come to your aid.

They're YOUR children. Control them!
If your child is feeling sick, what the hell are you doing buying them a huge bag of cheese doodles? Are you trying to make the kid throw up on the floor, so that I will have to clean it up?
Also, the fact that the cups of freshly squeazed orange juice are placed low enough for a child to reach them, does not mean that we enjoy cleaning up when your child decides he wants one, grabs one, then spills all of it as he runs towards you and the register. Don't want to pay for the cup of juice he spilled? Tough! You should have taught your child the meaning of the word 'no'!

Hmmm, I think that about covers it. Well, the worst points anyway. I'm sure I have more horror stories that my mind has conveniently repressed.

A few that I know:

-Don't bother bringing your bags from home because you will inevitably leave them in your car. Everyone does this. Out of about ten customers intending to bring bags from home, at least seven will state, "I forgot my bags in the car." This does not include those who simply forget their bags and do not tell anyone. Thus, no more than one or two out of ten customers will remember to bring their bags from home to the store.
-I DO NOT UNDERSTAND PAPER IN PLASTIC. IT MAKES NO SENSE. I mean, I understand the procedure for putting together a paper and plastic bag for you, but why the hell would you want that? It makes no sense.
-Please learn English before entering the store. Sure, you might get lucky and find that one of the staff speaks Spanish, but in all reality--and I'm not being racist here--it's not like you can get around very well in the US without speaking English. I wouldn't enter Mexico without knowing Spanish or at least bringing a translator, why would you do so to me?
-Do a barrel roll if you leik mudkips, it will make you an hero.
-Holy shit, old granny, you must be weak. I TRIED to pack your bags lightly. I can't even feel the weight anymore. How can it still be too heavy? In fact, how can I even judge its heaviness anymore after a certain point?
-If given a choice between bagging paper or bagging plastic, know that your courtesy clerk will choose to give you a plastic bag. Not really a rule, just... to let you know, because plastic is easier to bag with.
-If you have a major pile of food to send through, please let me ask you if you want paper or plastic before it's too late. Otherwise I will have too massive a pile of food to deal with. And that sucks. Especially when I have to bag it in paper.
-The bags are pretty strong, they can take some degree of weight. There is no need to double-bag everything.

Wouldn't have to if they just put handles on the damn paper ones.

TOTALLY! I've had so many of those. I had one old lady who kept rearranging the stuff I put in her bags until she literally had one or two items in each bag. She had about 75 bags piled into her cart too. Such a waste of plastic.



And, having just gotten back from work, I simply must add another after last night's experience.


I Know You Need A Lot of (cat)Food But This is Ridiculous
I know you have thirty cats at home old lady and I know the cat food is on sale, but why must you pile a year's worth of cat food into two carts? The only two cashiers on shift were helping you with your $225 cat food order and you even have the nerve to stand there and complain about our store because the cashier ringing you up was honoring your competitor ad and had to change the prices on each one of your 80 bags of cat food. I can only hope your threats of never returning to our store again will hold true.


(Completely true story. She spent $225 on cat food and $12 on human food. Ri-dic-u-lous!)

(I've just come home from work. Beware.)

It's been said before, but goodness -- if you have green bags, it's usually more convenient for all involved if you hand them over before I start scanning goods. If I can see them, yes, I will ask if you want your groceries bagged into them. I'm quite happy to do that. Really. Especially the flat-bottomed green ones, they are my favourite.

However. If you sit there holding them, and choose to tell me when I've already packed three bags or more, that you would like me to rebag the entire lot into your eco-friendly bags, I'm sorry, but you will be sorely disappointed in my reaction. I will bag the remaining groceries, yes. Is it really that hard to slip my already packed bags into your own? Because let's face it - I don't want those plastic ones anymore.

Also, if you take too long in handing the bags over, Mousie has a new rule: You snooze, you pack. And yes, I will scan everything in the order that you present it to me, not the order I would scan to pack. So you can have the fun-filled activity of sorting through your inability to make my life a smidge easier.

Regarding reusing plastic bags: I'm sorry, but no. I don't like doing it. These are bags I would prefer you packed yourself, because I don't know where they've been and frankly, they smell funny. Don't be surprised if when you force me to pack them, they come home with Mousie 'thumb nail rips'... I keep my thumbnails long for such a reason.

And while we're still on the bag rant, you really don't need a bag to carry your new toothbrush. Honest. Suck it up, and stick it in your pocket if need be - we're trying to save the environment here.

But let's move onto something else, shall we?

Ah, yes. Cash out.

It's lovely and all that you have an Ezy Banking card. Really, it is. Congratulations on being able to swoop in on that grand opportunity before Woolworths called it a flop. But is there really a need to flaunt the $1000 floor limit at 9am?

See, we don't stock the drawers with that much cash. We tell you that every Thursday morning. But you never seem to listen, do you? Well here's the bottom line, mate. You aren't getting your cash from us if you insist on coming in when we have only three operators whose drawers are barely off float... there are four ATMs in the plaza. I'm sure one of them will have the cash you need.

Oh? But you do it through us because you get EzyBanking rewards? Too bad, come back at a reasonable time.

They have handles at my store.

Oh, dunnno what their problem is then. Maybe for the wet stuff?

No no, for everything, and sometimes even when there is no wet stuff.

I think they do it just to give me pointless extra work.

In a strange way, I kind of appreciate it. I like being sent to do pointless mindless tasks that take a long time. Something about wasting time makes me feel... innately good. If you were ever my customer, ask for help to your car. Even if you don't need it. Especially if you don't need it.

Even if you're built like a bison and have only one bag with one item.

That will buy me about 5-10 minutes of doing little to nothing, which makes me feel strangely, and unfortunately, good.